Help with an elderly Grandparent....please?

Question

Help with an elderly Grandparent....please?

Answer 1

I understand your frustration. So I contribute this after 30 years of caring for Seniors. We live in their moment. We do not always know exactly what or where that is. Listening kindly and with interest. When it is right you can make a simple statement such as Rose has been gone for some time now. And leave it at that for her to ponder. But most of the time if we work at being where they are vs trying to change it for our convenience then it is of more benefit. It is the difference between Reality Orientation and Validation therapy. In dementia advanced Validation is a more effective tool.

Bless you for caring and for visiting.

Answer 2

My heart goes out to your and your mother.

This story is being played out in thousands of homes accross the world and the obcessive thinking is dementia and will only get worse. I suggest that soon she won't know much at all. I've endured three aging parents and these thoughts and actions helped me: Your mother needs time away from so ask for help from friends and relatives or take her to an alzheimers day care if her health allows, she may actually enjoy this? I admonish your mother , who sounds like a fine lady, to dedicate most of her time and energy to caring for her because just knowing it's almost over will help. Regardless of how troublesome old folks are when they're gone we really miss them and want them back.

God bless you for caring about this situation.

Fondly, Juj

Answer 3

As stressful as this is be kind to her. She has a better memory for what happened years ago but can't remember 5 mins ago. This is normal as people get older.



Your mum must look after herself properly and take time out. Get help in, even someone who will sit with your nan for a couple of hours while you and mum go out togther somewhere.



That book is important to her and although you may get fed up it's important memories to her.



Try to distract her by looking at old family photos with her. She'll tell you the history of your family that will be lost when she's gone!



Get some videos/dvd's of old films she might have seen but enjoy seeing again.



At 98 she will not be around much longer so make the most of her whilst she's here.

Answer 4

Hmm that is tricky. I don't know if this sounds inhumane, but why don't you take the book, and make a copy of it, ommitting all the people who have died instead?

Answer 5

Send her notes from her friends! She does not understand that they are gone, you need to live in her time frame. A note that says they are on vacation, or ill and cannot visit now, or the weather is bad, what ever you can come up with.

When she asks about them or complains she does not hear from them, you can pull out the "mailed" notes and show her they are away or unable to visit.

Answer 6

Unfortunately, this is very common with elderly people. My dad, for whom I am carer, loves to dwell on wrongs that were done to him 40 years ago, and is constantly talking about people who were "so wonderful"(who you never met, and who died many years ago) - problem is he tells you the same stuff over and over, every day till you are nearly out of your mind. It's all doom and gloom. I try to talk about other things and encourage him to read books and forget about the bad stuff, but it's his personal makeup and you can't change that.Sorry I have no solution for you but senile dementia is like that.

Answer 7

How horrible for you.

My mom has Alzheimer's

and she is totally out of it.



We just go along with whatever

she is saying at the time. She is

seeing people 'on the roof' when

she is sitting on the couch, and

she is looking for my dad who

(has been dead for fourteen years)

and whatever she says we just

GO ALONG with her.



Say, "Yes, they were here yesterday,

don't you remember?" And, "They are

coming back in a little while,

BETTER GET READY FOR COMPANY!"



It won't hurt you, and it will keep

her mind busy - for the moment.



Don't mention death or dying, cause

I think (in their soul) they actually do

realize how close they are.



LET ALL HER FRIENDS STILL

BE ALIVE IN HER MIND.

Say whatever you can think up to

just make her happy.



She will be more 'grounded and content.'

If she says that the book says they

are dead, tell her that was the wrong

book - you can figure out what to say.

(How can she see it to read it anyway -

I think she just has it in her head)

And help her "make a new book"

of the people who visited her.

Write down names. Make a big deal

out of it. Visitors book.



A special new gift

from YOU to HER. Begin by helping

her "remember" who visited her -

talking about when they were here,

writing their names in the book as

she talks - where she can watch you...

Maybe that will be her new book.



Change everything about the way

you talk to her. It's all she's got left....

give her the gift of happiness and

expectation.



Maybe this will give your poor mom

a break, too.



Bless you for trying to help her.

It would be very hard to have to

do what she is doing all by herself.



EDIT: I forgot something that will really

save your mom's sanity. Get a "GLENN MILLER'S HITS " CD or tape and play it for your Grandma.



THAT is the only thing that my MOM really connects to!!



She doesn't know anything, but by golly she knows the words to all those old songs! Amazing to see her 'come alive!' It'll do your heart good to see her enjoy herself! Please try it.

Answer 8

First of all I want to commend you and your mother for taking care of your grandmother, it is such a hard job. I went trough this with my father in law he had Alzheimer's, we tried music , which sometimes helped, truthfully I don't think there is much you can do to get this off their minds.. Just keep letting her know how much you love her.It would be great if you could get a sitter to stay with her once in awhile to give your Mom a break

Answer 9

Are there any Senior Centers in your area? If Grandma won't / can't go to one, maybe you could get someone from the center to visit her.



She would probably love to have a friend her age to talk to.While 98 year olds are hard to find, just someone near her age would be helpfull.

Answer 10

Have you considered going through her pictures and creating a scrapbook or memory box for her. It could keep her busy and she would enjoy reminiscing. If you feel it's necessary, you could write on the pictures when the friends and family members passed away. I can tell you from experience...you can't get there from here. She could be anywhere inside her own lifetime, and it is all very real to her.

Arguing does no good. Reasoning is of no benefit, because she knows what she knows.

Does she enjoy listening to old music? Sometimes music is comforting.

I would like to invite you to visit my 360 blog. You will find lots of good references and possibly some ideas on coping.

Feel welcome to email me if you want.



EDIT: She may be suffering with depression. Talk to her doctor. When your world seems to be falling apart all around you, and no one seems to understand, that would be good reason to be depressed.

I KNOW you Love your Grandma...not a doubt in my mind. I Love my Aunt and my Dad also, but things become a bit challenging sometimes.

Answer 11

I admire your mom and you for caring for your grandmother. My heart goes out to you, I know it can't be easy.



My first thought is to wonder when was the last time your grandma saw her primary care doctor for an exam? Is her doctor aware of her memory problems and agitation? The things you describe are not signs of normal aging; although it could be an age-related disease or age-related medication problem. In order to figure out the best ways to deal with your grandma's memory problems and agitation you need to know what is causing the problems. Different diseases respond to different treatments and different strategies.



Whatever is causing your grandma's problems, you and your mom can check out support and services in your area. Try contacting the Local Area Agency on Aging. If you can't find a listing for that group, the try contacting your local community resources referral group...this can be done by dialing 2-1-1 in most areas of the US. There may be groups that can provide 'respite care' to give your mom a break once in awhile, support groups for caregivers, and other services to help you and your mom care for your grandma.



You may be able to do some things that would distract your grandma a bit. For instance, sit down with her and put together some photo albums or scrapbooks. Ask her about her favorite songs, and then find some CDs of those songs and play them for her. Help her do some simple things that will keep her hands busy; large piece puzzles, writing birthday cards for you, your mom, and anyone else she knows. You write to her....send her a quick note during the week while you are away.



Does your mom get out while you are there on the weekends? If not, then she really should try to get out of the house while you are there. Even if it's just for an hour, a morning, afternoon....better yet the whole day. It's important that your mom take care of herself.



Check out this 'Caregiver' tip sheet:

"Caring for Adults with Cognitive and Memory Impairments"

Family Caregiver Alliance

National Center on Caregiving

http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/content_node.jsp?nodeid=392

Answer 12

At 98 she is suffering from some dementia. Nothing you do or say will change how she is acting. She has lost her short term memory (what happened recently) and only remembers things in the past (like her friends when they were alive). Let her read her book because its ritualistic and comforting for her and she really isnt hurting anything. She might even enjoy a collage of pictures of her deceased friends to remind her of the good times. Even if you tell her that the reason they dont come to visit is that they have moved away (which is true) or that they are too busy (which may also be true if you believe in the after life) it will only satisfy her for a short time. Do a little research on dementia so you can better understand her actions, get in touch with your local Alzheimer's Assn to find out about support groups, make sure you all get enough respite so that you can keep up with the caregiving and if possible just try to be loving and understanding.

Answer 13

Sounds like your grandma has memory problems; She's 98 it's bound to happen. I think it's just cruel to hide the book that means so much to your grandmother. I would focus more of the attention on your mother, the caregiver. Is there any way she can get more time off, away from the grandmother? Maybe hiring a CNA or somebody else to come sit with Grandma for a few hours a day, so mom can get out. Has your family looked into a memory/Altzeheimer's home? Or Assisted living? I know it doesn't sound fair, but your mom is nearing 60. She should really consider enjoying her own life too, not making herself sick by taking care of her mother. It's honorable to want to take care of a loved one, but it's just TOO much pressure for one woman.

Good luck to your family. Unfortunately, I don't think there is much you can do to help Grandma. Concentrate on your mother, make sure she stays healthy. Take a look at a book titled, 36 Hour Day. It's about caring for elder family members.

Answer 14

How reasonable, moneywise, would a senior living center be?They have activities and people her age to keep her mind fresh and in the moment. Or even a routined visit to the local senior center where the elderly dine together, talk, do activities, etc. It's just her alone time that's making her mind drift, as you know already. How 'bout a computer? I have a friend who is now 93. She still lives alone. Her family bought it for her at age 90. It sat for a long time because she "thought" she couldn't learn to use it. BUT, she did and that lady is a whiz on it. She looks up recipes, sends e mail and e cards to relatives and friends. She gets the scoop on news. She loves it and it feeds her mind!

Answer 15

What if you made her forget about this book by taking her out a litle bit? She seems as if she has no longer the will to live. And changing that, as far as you can ofcourse, is up to you, not up to your mother. She is her daughter, not a friend, and she is taking care of her for a very time.



She needs friends, and who could ever make her feel better than you? Take her out a litle bit, stand by her, read her a book, or tell her a story, watch a movie together, share with her your news (optimistic ones and not depresive)... Make her to forget all about this book!



Don' t forget that aged people look more like small children than adults. She needs full attention and if you change her everyday program, you could add some color in her life, and this really worths of it!!!

Answer 16

My grandmother has recently been diagnosed with alzheimers... its rough - and at this stage - to save your mom the stress of looking after her you might suggest a nursing home or even an in home nurse. Watching someone live with alzheimers is one of the hardest things i have ever done, simply because you spend so much time explaining things that YOU are worn out - not to mention you the pain you feel seeing that persons mind diminish.

Seek some professional help. A lot of doctores prescribe medication to administer to alz. patients when they start to get out of control or get abusive (im not saying you want to drug your grandma but in certain situations a sedative could help everyone)

Good luck with this - I really know how hard it is.

Answer 17

first of all you mother has to deal with her ulcer --- that said just totally ignore the grandmother when she gets on one of her mind wondering because like you pointed out it will only last at the most 30 minutes!!!

Answer 18

I think if anyway possible if you and your Mom can tolerate it i would let her think as she wishes.

It might break her heart to realize most of her friends are gone.

~~Best of Luck~~